What is the Blessing and What is the Hope? Coco's Journey; Chapter 28

By Larry Puls  @larrypulsauthor

Ovarian Cancer; Hope; Blessing

Stepping out of her car, Coco felt the cold wind cascading down the meadow and chilling her face. A somewhat serene backdrop, but lifeless. Spring had yet to break through the gray landscape. There in the distance, was the small country church where her friend had been raised--and where she would take her final resting place in the centuries-old cemetery. Row upon row of faded stones, gray and black, inscribed with birthdates, death dates, and various words that hinted at stories of once vibrant lives.

A smattering of people dressed in dark clothing had gathered to celebrate her friend Marcia. Their hushed voices were barely audible. The incessant wispy breeze whistled through the stagnant bare branches. Would spring ever come?

Saying the Final Goodbye; Coco's Journey; Chapter 27

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Alone, Ovarian Cancer, Death

Jack saw his children out and tried to sleep, though that needed task was simply not possible. In the dark room listening to the clock, he watched her and willed her to sleep. Please give me another day. Each long breath she took and each slight turn she managed, he drew closer to her side.

At three in the morning, everything changed. 

Marcia’s breathing began to slow. Each breath appeared more labored. Repositioning himself on the side of her bed, he studied what was happening. By four in the morning, the color of his wife’s face transformed from a slight dash of pink to consuming gray. Death was no longer at the door. It was barging in, slithering into the room. Her soul was being called home. He wanted to protect her, but what could he offer? Fighting God was not an option. His children needed to be called, but it was too late for that now. Climbing into Marcia’s bed and sharing the waning moments of her life was all he could think to do. Delicately he placed his arm around her side and caressed her for what would be the final time.

The Final Counsel to a Husband; Coco’s Journey; Chapter 26

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Saying Goodbye; Ovarian Cancer; Coco's Journey

Jack was fighting sleep when his son walked through the door at three that afternoon. After exchanging hellos, he savored the sweet family conversation and the tenderness of his children’s voices. But at times, the exchanges were interrupted when Marcia fought to absorb her intense cramping with what little dignity she had left.

When evening came, his wife appeared to be wearing down quickly. He encouraged her to get some sleep. But when he did, she looked up and strangely fixed her eyes on his. An odd expression covered her sunken and pale face and made him wonder what she was thinking.

“Is everything ok?” he said.

Without an utterance, she lightly patted the bed for him to come and sit beside her. Climbing from his chair, he rose, approached her and carefully lowered the guardrail. There next to his wife on the crumpled sheets was a small sliver of space where he thought he could perch. He pushed the IV lines out of the way and slid her catheter down towards the foot of the bed. 

Once seated, she grabbed his hand in a small way and began to talk quietly. “I’m glad you kids are here. I have a few things I want to say to your father and I want you to listen… Honey, you have given me the greatest gift and man could give a wife. You have made me feel cherished beyond measure.”

She stopped momentarily, short of breath.

“But I pity you Jack Covington,” feebly smiling. “I have done everything for you in life. I have balanced our checkbook. I have run the house and cooked every single meal for you—until recently I guess,” adjusting her shoulders. “You will have to figure out how to manage the house completely on your own. The grocery store will become your new hardware store. Imagine that. Who knows, you may start collecting cooking recipes. But I am sure you will be able to figure out a life alone no doubt,” ending the sentence almost inaudibly. 

She then motioned for him to come closer before gently taking hold of his face. “I know you better than you know yourself. We’ve been a good team. We made it all work—better than most couples. And there are reasons for that, I think. You have a giving heart… So listen to what I am about to say. Someday you will need another woman. I know you and I want that for you--just like you would that for me if the roles were reversed,” still looking winded. “And if you are lucky, she won’t order you around or complain when you leave your shoes in the wrong spot…”

His voiced was silenced.

“Jack?”

“Yes,” wiping the moisture from his right eye.

“I love you and I want you to be happy. Remember that please,” staring up at him. 

He was not predicting that comment, nor was he aware how those spoken words would pierce his heart. The rising tears surfaced over his eyes, revealing droplets that spoke about the previously unspoken.

A life without his wife. 

For just a moment, he wondered curiously if he would survive alone to face the world.Don’t go there! Don’t even think about it. With those thoughts now swirling about, he was determined to cut her off. That was a discussion he wasn’t going to have here and now, so he held his finger up to her lips. But gingerly, she wrapped her withered hand around it and moved it away. Her eyes held his. I will never think about anyone else! He wanted only her, forever and for always… Beautiful Marcia was dying and he knew he could not stop it.

Being at her bedside was complicated, but cathartic. Jack understood the need to let it go. It was time to let go. Skirting around the reality of what the cancer was doing was no longer possible. He recognized he must face it head on and work towards final closure.

She drifted off to sleep, and for that he was thankful. That night his children went back to Ellen’s place, assuming tomorrow would be just like today.

But it would not.

The Final Counsel to a Husband; Larry Puls; (Click to Tweet)

Don't Miss the Previous Chapters

Coco's Journey

The Pain Experienced by Those Left Behind; Coco's Journey; Chapter 25

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

The evening Coco left Marcia's room. Excerpts from my upcoming book.

Ovarian Cancer; Husband Grieving 

Jack Covington glanced up as the pounding rain hammered the hospital window, like tears falling from heaven. Suddenly, a flash of lightening, then a crash of deafening thunder. The building nearly shook.

His wife neither moved nor stirred.

It was then he understood just how weak she had become All the tubes hanging off her emaciated body, piercing her arms and chest made him grasp the inevitable. Her battle with ovarian cancer would soon be over—she had only days or hours to live.

When is the Husband’s Pain Too Unbearable? Coco' Journey; Chapter 24

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Ovarian Cancer; Suffering; Encouragement

Coco stepped onto the oncology unit where Marcia had been admitted last night with nausea--and emesis. She questioned how bad it was… Her intuition whispered answers… Approaching the room, she saw Marcia’s husband standing silently outside her door. His head was down.

“Jack, good to see you," she said softly. "How are you?”

He looked up, and initially didn’t answer. A bewildered look filled his eyes. He twisted his head to the side. Then shrugged his shoulders and said, “Thank you for coming up.” He never answered her question. Perhaps he couldn't.

What if an Illness Stole Something Precious From You? Coco's Journey; Chapter 23

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Ovarian Cancer, Coco's Journey, Suffering

Coco rang the doorbell. Questions flashed through her mind. Three weeks had passed since she happened upon Marcia at Kiawah—and now she was just outside her house. Hearing the door unlock, she could only imagine what her friend’s weakness and frailty might look like today--compared to three weeks ago. 

The door eased open and there was that sweet smile--yet unexpectedly weak. Her friend was on her feet but gripping the door handle firmly--almost searching for balance. The temples of her head were more sunken than before. This troubling visual portrait had more detail than a thousand words ever could. In the three seconds that elapsed from seeing Marcia to now, Coco reached conclusions—and those made sadness sweep through her. So this is what the end of life looks like from cancer. She felt the moisture building in her eyes.

What Shape Are Your “Genes “ In? Coco's Journey, Chapter 22

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

BRCA mutation, Ovarian Cancer, Coco's Journey

Walking into the exam room, she sensed her pressure rising. What would he say today? But as she thought about it, he always had something encouraging to say. And she felt good. That had to be a positive sign. She took a deep breath and let her anxiety calm down.

“Good morning Coco. I hope you're enjoying your new life.”

"New life?"

"Yes. Off chemotherapy."

“Oh that. I am, as a matter of fact. It's pretty special. And I'm hoping you will keep me there."

"That's my hope too."

When Does Summer at the Beach Spark Fear? Coco’s Journey; Chapter 21

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Ovarian Cancer; Facing Fears; Coco's Journey

Rubbing her head, the gritty little bits of stubble were bursting forth like a freshly planted wheat field on the surface of her head—a breaking forth of spring. And it was spring—to Coco. New life. New hope. The testimony her hair revealed was—chemotherapy was all behind her—at least for now. And maybe, just possibly, hopefully forever. But time would reveal that uncertainty. One thing learned from the cancer road was in concrete. This whole cancer adventure had taught her patience—and humility—and a fresh view of life.

Equipped with her sense of momentary hope, she walked the streets of Kiawah’s town center on her summer beach vacation. And there in the heat of the day, she noticed a man pushing a woman in a wheelchair. An unusual couple mixed in with all the young families galavanting around for their summer outings.The temperature that day hovered somewhere around the hundred degree mark. The sweat was dripping from under her arms. Actually, it was pouring out like a faucet. Heat, taking its toll on her—draining what little strength she had built up. But knowing that this heat was temporary--but real, she wondered about the man pushing the woman. The couple disappeared around the corner.

What Would You Do with a Beautiful Day at Kiawah? Coco’s Journey; Chapter 20

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Ovarian Cancer, Thankfulness, Gratitude

Coco slipped her shoes off, wiggled her toes in the sand and shuffled down the shoreline. It was a breathtaking sunrise. The morning waves rolled in softly against her ankles, splashing at times up to her knees.  She paused and stared out over the mass of water. Glistening rays bounced off the surf as the sun made its way up over the horizon. Standing still in the blissful moment, she noted the pelicans coming in from her right inches above the waterline in perfect formation. And looking down, she saw the shallow waters teaming with small minnow-like fish darting between fresh seashells and wisps of sand.

She was happy to be here. Her breathing seemed easier this morning. And her stamina was clearly improving.

What Happens When Mrs. Kravitz Won’t Shut Up? Coco’s Journey; Chapter 19

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Ovarian Cancer; Gossip; Discouragement

Coco laughed thinking about her encounter with the little boy. Honesty is such a beautiful trait—and he possessed it. When she considered her striking appearance, given the baldness, it made her understand where little Phillip was coming from. How many glistening top women were roaming around this neighborhood—sane ones anyway? She was the only one—that she was aware of.

As she replayed the conversation, she turned the next street corner and noticed a woman watering her flowers. She had never seen her before, even though they only lived a few blocks away.  

“Good morning,” Coco said, feeling the shortness of breath. “You have the prettiest flowerbeds.”

“Thank you… They are really pretty this year.” Suddenly the woman stopped, turned her head at a funny angle and said, “Are you ok?”

What Questions Come on the Long Road Back? Coco’s Journey; Chapter 18

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Getting back you life, Recovery from Illness

Attempting to tie her shoelaces was somewhat harder now than six months ago. She found the process—well—complicated. It took more concentration and certainly more dexterity than she presently possessed. The numb hands made for some clumsy coordination. But Coco wasn’t daunted, it would get better—she knew that.

Opening the front door, she inhaled deeply, stretched and looked out at the brilliant blue sky. It was a summer day brimming over with life. A small breeze drifted through the trees. It was her new beginning--a great opportunity to start back on what would likely be a long road to recovery. Yet her willingness was powerful. And the desire was great... Though her expectations were realistic.

How Many People Actually Go On Facebook? Coco’s Journey; Chapter 17

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

The Journey of Cancer; When Love Feels Undeserved

The sun peaked in the blinds covering her bedroom window. Her husband had already left, having slipped out to work before six. Morning had arrived. Coco wiped the slumber from her eyes, realizing that she had no scheduled appointments with anyone today. It was time for her—a time to regroup—a time to reflect. 

Yesterday’s conversation with her doctor about remission was still being replayed in her mind. And nothing could wipe the smile from her face. With her robe on, she walked down to grab her morning coffee. As she sipped the Columbian brew, she gazed out the kitchen window, watching the birds on the feeder as they came and went. At one point, a brilliant gold finch sat alone nibbling on breakfast, watching the world go by. She smiled. The morning reminded her of when she was younger and had just returned from college after final exams. Because in those moments, there was a freedom in knowing that all her tests were behind her—just as her cancer test was behind her now. She was still alive—and the future was out there to be discovered.

How Do You Thank God Enough? Coco's Journey; Chapter 16

by Larry Puls  @larrypulsauthor

One Woman's Journey Through Ovarian Cancer

In the elevator accompanied by only her daughter and husband, she leaned over and gave them a deep embrace. It was a wonderful moment of joy that could not be contained. Coco's tight hug symbolized the thankfulness she had for their support during her cancer journey--and for the fact that she had arrived at a place such as this.

Remission. 

The word resonated in her mind. Did the doctor really say that? But as she asked her family to verify it, they both acknowledged it with smiles on their faces. Remission. Such a sweet word, and so coveted. She pinched herself. This was not a dream.

What Do Dreams Look Like at Three AM? Coco's Journey; Chapter 15

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

The Cancer Journey; Ovarian Cancer

She was four weeks removed from her final chemotherapy—and hopefully her last. Coco’s appointment was scheduled for 10:15 this morning. In a few hours she would know where she stood with the cancer. The parasite within. 

But there was this long night before the big day. And sleep proved elusive. How could she rest during such a pivotal time as this? And then to make matters worse, a storm swept through at midnight, a lightning show that lit up her walls, casting eerie shadows. Her husband’s heavy breathing reminded her of what deep sleep sounded like—though she couldn’t mimic it for the life of her. He never stirred once, though the ground shook with thunder. How she envied that. But in the end—fatigue overwhelmed her weakened body and she drifted off—at three am. 

A flash of light. 

Then the cold chill followed. There was a mist or a fog hovering over the lights. She found herself in a doctor’s office, but was it hers? She couldn’t recall trekking over here. Yet here she was, in an office, with unfamiliar surroundings, and yet vaguely there was something familiar. She just surmised that this room must be the right place... But it looked so different.

When the Finish Line Seems So Close—And So Far. Chapter 14; Coco’s Journey

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Running for Cancer, Remission

Five treatments down and one to go. She could almost taste it. Coco recalled every time the nurse had hooked up that catheter attached to her belly. It was never pleasant. But it was never miserable. It was just an investment—in life. A temporary suffering for a hopeful future. And hope was important to her.

She pulled the car out of her garage and drove to meet her doctor. The azaleas were in bloom and the dogwoods were sprinkling the yards. Spring had arrived. A new beginning—for the world—but was it for her? It was just two days before her last set of treatments. What did the future hold?

“Good morning Dr. Michaels.”

“Good morning Coco. It’s great to see you. I hope you are feeling well.”

“Other than some fatigue and a touch of numbness in my fingertips, it is all good. And I’m hoping you are going to tell me the same?” she said with her eyebrows going up.

Lunch and Learn. Will You Go? Chapter 13; Coco's Journey

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Ovarian Cancer, End of Life Thoughts

Coco arrived early. A quiet table in the corner. And then dressed in teal, she walked silently through the door. Marcia Covington. A woman she met while receiving chemo. The woman who piqued her interest two months ago in the chemo suite. An ovarian cancer patient like herself. Only further along. A lot further along. A beautiful smile had adorned her face on that initial day, but not now, as she crossed the restaurant. I hope everything is ok. Today, she seemed tired. Was this the same woman she had met two months ago? The eyes said yes. But her face said no.

Before she sat, they hugged. Coco then tiptoed delicately through some opening small talk. She wanted to be sensitive about Marcia's situation. She was losing the battle against cancer. Somehow her intuition could sense that. Marcia had seemed more bubbly on that day in the chemo suite. And her skin had had more color. What had happened in her story, especially the last two months? She had to know.

How Precious is Each Day? Chapter 12; Coco's Journey

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Life in the Midst of Cancer, Ovarian Cancer

People were filing in the church. One by one the rows were beginning to fill. There was an audible hum emanating from the sanctuary. Coco knew that the time was drawing nigh.

And she was very much thankful to be alive.

Her daughter Kate was hiding away in the dressing room with her attendants. The veil would soon be in place. She prayed the day would be everything she had hoped for!

The temptation was too enticing. She walked back to see her daughter—one last time. 

As she made her way through the door, she scratched her itchy scalp under the wig. And then looking down at her waist line, she smirked. The dress had probably loosened a tiny amount over the last few weeks since her final fitting. But those were small matters. She would not let those tiny issues ruin this one beautiful moment in eternity.

Why Can't the Bride Give a Toast? Chapter 11; Coco's Journey

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor 

The Journey of Ovarian Cancer, Life with Cancer

Just under a hundred people filled the room. She gazed around the banquet hall; all the people Coco loved were here—some coming from as far as a thousand miles away. Her daughter Kate looked exquisitely beautiful in her red and white cocktail dress. And the smile decorating her face—nothing short of genuine—reflecting a glorious version of happiness. She wasn’t certain if she had ever seen her daughter so joyful in all of her days.

The salmon was cooked to perfection. And the dessert—positively decadent. But the blessing? There was no lingering pain or nausea quashing the night. The thought of cancer had passed from the forefront of her brain—even if for a moment.

The Mother-of-the-Bride Dress Fits Just Fine. Chapter 10; Coco's Journey

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Beautiful moments in the midst of a trial, Ovarian Cancer

The wedding was just a month away and Coco’s heart pounded joyfully. Her daughter! Getting married! That was so cool...

And then her unrelenting doubts crept in. Could she pull it off? With a little help from her friends—perhaps. She would at least be there that day. Nothing could keep her away—well almost nothing. But what about chemo side effects? She was convinced they could be controlled (well some of them, as she reached up and felt the wig). The aches or pains could be overlooked too—and if not, there would be wine at the reception. But she didn’t want to do too much of that. A clear head was paramount. This would be a day to cherish. The event was within her grasp; and she wanted to savor it like a great Cabernet.

Over the last two trying months, staying involved with the wedding plans had certainly helped maintain some sanity in the midst of the turmoil. But she had required help. There was no way to get this all done by herself. And her daughter Kate had stepped up. The pride she felt about how this little girl had grown up into this beautiful and responsible young woman made her beam. So many of the preparations, and the planning, had been handed over to her—including the final details regarding the wedding ceremony, the photographer, the flowers, her own wedding dress, and even the food at the reception. Kate had run it like a quarterback. But then as Coco thought about it, that had just been inevitable—given the diagnosis—given the fatigue.

How to Meet a Friend (In the Midst of the Storm). Chapter 9; Coco's Journey

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Friends on a Cancer Journey; A Mentor; Ovarian Cancer

This time the parking garage did not trigger a racing heart, or evoke panic, or churn up fear, or create a desire to run—like it had three weeks ago. The chemo suite was not quite as frightening. And the word chemotherapy came attached with prior experience. It was not so unknown. Feeling the elevator surging up, Coco reflected about her CA 125 blood test. It had plummeted, breathing hope into her troubled soul. It made all this seem doable.

Switching gears from wife and mother and friend to patient, she made it over to her chemo bed for the day. She came alone. This day would be a solo act. But that was ok; she was stronger now. Her wig was on. Her prayer partners would be at work and her husband was coming later. It was all good.

How Long Can You Hold Your Breath? Chapter 8; Coco's Journey

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Ovarian Caner; Chances of Survival

She looked in the mirror. A reflection from the baldness. To her, an ugly reminder of a journey. A picture that told the story, five weeks from surgery, three weeks from chemotherapy, and two months from perfect health. Why me?

At least now, her pain had resolved. She could walk and eat again. But she still battled sadness. It was hard to be upbeat. The chemotherapy suite still flashed too clearly in her mind. She would be back there in two very short days. Is it already that time again? It was… And it was time to be strong, and a time to be resilient. Closing her eyes, she took a moment to pray. And then without looking back, she placed on her wig and turned to go.

Can a Single Shower Change Your Life? Chapter 7; Coco's Journey

By Larry Puls @Larrypulsauthor

Hair Loss, Ovarian cancer, Fatigue

Two weeks flew by since the first treatment. The anticipated abdominal pain from the chemotherapy was not a ten. Maybe a four. Pleasant? No way. Tolerable? Coco had to think about that one. Could she do it again? Her resolve said yes. Her desire said no. But fortunately her resolve was stronger than her desire—at least today. It was time to start the morning.

Cold defined the walk. A stiff breeze rattled the bare trees. A chill registered in her bones. Her walk seemed tougher than normal, and longer. In fact, when she looked at her watch, she realized it took eight minutes longer than normal. What had become of her routine pace? She knew the answer to that one.

Do They Really Put That in Your Belly?; Chapter 6; Coco's Journey

By Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Chemotherapy, Ovarian Cancer

The cavernous room was intimidating. She wanted to run away, but couldn't realistically escape. This was that place and that day she had been dreading. And her confidence was unquestionably wavering from her vivid imagination.

Coco stood there considering the day—and the room in front of her—the chemotherapy suite. She wished she was anywhere but here. Inhaling deeply, she thought, you can do this. Panning the room, she forced enough resolve to tiptoe back towards her designated spot for the day. As she trekked across the room, she wondered about what the next eight hours would hold—and about what her chemotherapy experience would be like. There was that word again—chemotherapy. What would it be like? She couldn’t recall many of the side effects that her doctor had mentioned—except one. Abdominal pain. How bad will it be?

Wigging Out; Chapter 5; Coco's Journey

The Journey of Coco By Larry Puls @Larrypulsauthor

Chapter Five

Ovarian cancer, Hair loss

Coco spotted her out of the car window, wishing in some ways that it was dark outside. Her best friend Jennifer drove up from the traffic-laced street to offer some needed advice. And she needed some advice--and maybe courage as well. She knew it would take her friend to find that courage.

A kaleidoscope of thoughts were flooding her mind. This trip to the store was just kind of surreal in some ways. A wig. Really? And yet this trip was important--and she knew it. The cancer was not her fault. Some things in life couldn't be overcome. It was simply time to purchase a wig--and she knew she needed to get over it.

What kind of wig would she get? She wondered about that. I could be a blonde. But then she laughed and realized that was not who she was. She was a brunette. Always was. Always would be. And that is what her husband married. 

Looking around the parking lot, no other familiar faces were around. With sunglasses and her wide brim hat, she climbed from the driver’s side and headed towards Jennifer’s car.

Will Coco Waste Her Cancer? Chapter 4; Coco's Journey

The Journey of Coco

Chapter Four

By Larry Puls @Larrypulsauthor

The Journey of Cancer, Ovarian Cancer

Scooting off the elevator, Coco sensed the fear mounting up inside, as if she were stepping onto a scary ride at the fairgrounds. This office represented something of significance, a beginning of a new world, a reality check, a reminder of how fragile her life really was. She took a deep breath, worked to shrug off her thin emotions, and hid the trepidation--at least in front of all these people.

Standing at the check in, feeling the metal staples on her belly, she thought of the metal bumps as something like icing over the top of a trying event. And the resulting scar would not be a post-it note of fear, but a beautiful tattoo, and a tool for teaching. So she asked, what will it teach me? That seemed unclear for now--though it was getting clearer by the day. Even in the two weeks since her surgery, strength had grown inside her soul. There had been tangible positive leaps. More inner determination, perhaps. Her prayer life had taken on a whole new meaning—it rolled non-stop—her war room was fully activated. The threat of losing her life, of not seeing future grandkids, had forced her to reorganize her priorities and made her emphasize pieces of her life that had up until now been allowed to atrophy.

Driving Miss Coco; Chapter 3; Coco's Journey

By Larry Puls: The Journey  of Coco @Larrypulsauthor

Ovarian Cancer; Life with Cancer

Chapter Three

Coco gazed blindly out the window while the drops of rain clouded her view. The trees passed by in a blur and a thousand thoughts swirled around in her head. It was difficult to concentrate on any one thought. Confusion stifled that concentration. The rabbit trails abounded, leaping across her mind, forcing every facet of her life to be visible in just seconds. Her eyes shifted down towards her lap when it all became too overwhelming. Her head shook. Reflections of her conversation with her physician now barged in and consumed her. It seemed unavoidable. But then she convinced herself she couldn't go there--at least not now. So, she opted to shift her focus to a happier subject--her daughter.   

Waking Up in a Deep Fog; Chapter 2; Coco's Journey

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

The fictional but poignant journey of Courageous Courtney (Coco) Vin and her road through ovarian cancer from start to finish, from good to bad (and maybe back to good again). No one knows the outcome yet. Not even me. A story designed to be interactive--assuming you supply me with questions and thoughts that you want me to build into her life.

Enjoy! Happy Valentine's Day.

Waking from a Fog, Anesthesia

I hear my name called, but I don’t recognize the voice. There it is again. I open my eyes and before me is a face. Unfamiliar. Everything seems blurry. There is a mask. Why are they saying my name?  

Suddenly, my belly twinges. And then a whisper is heard. Saying what? The fog surrounding must be blocking my hearing. I think I am lost. But miraculously, my surroundings slowly but certainly clear a touch. A small sense of familiarity arises. I know this place. Wasn't I just here?

When the Baby Screams Out the Only Way It Can

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor 

Uterine Rupture, Cesarean Hysterectomy

It was 2:45 in the afternoon. Labor had been progressing since eight that morning, an elective induction for being a week late. I was in my office seeing patients, having never met this patient with the seemingly normal labor. Epidural in place. Check. Husband by his wife’s side. Check. Nursery was awaiting them back home. Check.

The labor contractions were regular and strong. There was a smile on the patient’s face—epidurals are amazing. But the progress of labor had slowed. The cervix had not dilated any over the last two hours. Otherwise, everything was stable.

When You Have to Play with Snakes

by Larry Puls, @larrypulsauthor

Endometrial Cancer; Lymph Node Involvement

The CT scan tells a story. Maybe not the hopeful story we wanted. In the pelvis, there is an enlarged uterus and within its walls sits a cancer—now seeping blood. The biopsy confirms the diagnosis. The cells under the microscope show its cancerous pattern. And though this is not a good thing, it’s not the worst thing here. What is worse is the six-centimeter cancerous lymph node that has found a home on top of the vena cava—the largest vein in the human body. It jumps out from the images on the computer, almost taunting me.

Ruminating over the complexity of the forthcoming surgery, I find myself filled with trepidation. The vena cava is about two inches across and serves as a conduit for so much blood per second that it intimidates most surgeons. And the wall of that vessel is not much thicker or stronger than wet tissue paper. And in this case unfortunately, the devil is sitting on that vein.

Personal Reflections Before My Cancer Surgery; Chapter One; Coco's Journey

by Larry Puls, @larrypulsauthor

Personal Reflections Before My Cancer Surgery

Unsympathetically, the alarm clock blares. I wake, perplexed. How early is it? Studying the face of the clock, nothing registers. I rub my eyes... Three fifteen am. Then unexpectedly, fear sweeps in and pervades me. Reasons for the early morning hour come flooding into my head. Surgery is only five hours away.

Stubbing a toe on my way downstairs, I catch myself before falling. My legs wax unsteady. Rounding the corner to the kitchen, I turn on the lights and see my note. There is no coffee in the maker and I cannot have a cup today. Grrr. My shoulders shrug. I have nowhere else to go but to the kitchen table, where I sit. There in the window is a reflection of a woman who doesn’t really look like me—and yet I know that it is. How did I get here, in this place, in this predicament? I arrive at no answers.