Lunch and Learn. Will You Go? Chapter 13; Coco's Journey

by Larry Puls @larrypulsauthor

Ovarian Cancer, End of Life Thoughts

Coco arrived early. A quiet table in the corner. And then dressed in teal, she walked silently through the door. Marcia Covington. A woman she met while receiving chemo. The woman who piqued her interest two months ago in the chemo suite. An ovarian cancer patient like herself. Only further along. A lot further along. A beautiful smile had adorned her face on that initial day, but not now, as she crossed the restaurant. I hope everything is ok. Today, she seemed tired. Was this the same woman she had met two months ago? The eyes said yes. But her face said no.

Before she sat, they hugged. Coco then tiptoed delicately through some opening small talk. She wanted to be sensitive about Marcia's situation. She was losing the battle against cancer. Somehow her intuition could sense that. Marcia had seemed more bubbly on that day in the chemo suite. And her skin had had more color. What had happened in her story, especially the last two months? She had to know.

Coco asked.

“Well it all started,” Marcia opened up. The complicated words crept out—one by one. Over the next thirty minutes the saga was unveiled. Coco hung on every gritty detail. She wanted to learn from this woman's journey. And she wanted to learn from these honest words. But the more the honest words were woven together, and the more the raw tale came from her mouth, the less she found herself desiring to listen. Because each subsequent detail made Coco's fears build. The truth being espoused was hitting too close to home. This woman, whom she had barely known an hour ago—was painting a snapshot of the bad side to cancer—a genuine reality of what life was like when a cancer returned, when it reared its ugly head. That was not the story she wanted today--or any day. And suddenly she was not sure she wanted to be here. 

Coco had never let her mind dwell on the possibility of a recurrence—not consciously anyway. Oh, she acknowledged that at times it could happen. But those had been pushed away into the recesses of her brain. But now they were surfacing. She was seeing a possible reflection of herself. Marcia’s words were tough. And the story unfortunately resonated--more than she cared to admit. My cancer might not go away, she thought.  

A thousand questions were flying through her mind that needed answers. And finally the most pressing one just spilled out. “What has been the hardest part of all of this?” The question was followed by silence. Maybe I shouldn't have asked her that. She debated if that question was too personal. But she couldn't retract the inquiry as it had floated across the table.

And then Marcia looked up at the wall behind her, focusing on something, and then it looked like her face winced in pain. No response came out for the first ten seconds. Slowly her eyes returned and she whispered, “My husband.”

“What do you mean?”

“I see too much sadness in his eyes.”

Coco couldn't speak on that one. The lump in her throat was growing. 

“I feel the suffering in his soul. And that hurts so badly to see him like that. He knows I am dying and is struggling to accept it. And I get that--particularly after forty years together--which doesn't make it easier. He tells me to keep fighting. But I am getting tired of fighting. The resolve I once had… is not there like it was at the beginning. And I know he senses it. So now I see the desperation in the way he looks at me, the way he stares at me. He is sweetest man and I don't want to disappoint him. But when I tell him I am considering giving up this fight, his eyes tear up. What can I say? I am getting weaker and I understand I'm not going to live a lot longer… But he cannot accept that… I fear where his mind will go when I am no longer there with him... He says I am everything to him… He says he will be lost without me… That issue makes me feel guilty, like I have let him down." She shrugged her shoulders. "So that's the hardest part—him watching me die... I am going home. I will not be able to take care of him anymore. And that reality, in light of what he means to me, has been even harder for me than my physical suffering.”

As Coco heard these words, she couldn’t help but feel her heart crumble. Reaching over, she touched her hands. Here she was, a woman at the end of her life and all she could think about was someone else. She wasn’t certain she ever met anyone quite like her. If only God would have brought her into her life earlier...

But He didn’t.

So she resolved, right then, to walk as closely to this woman as she could in her final days—to learn—to understand—to appreciate the gift of life.

A tear fell from her eye and splashed onto her plate.

Lunch and Learn. Will You Go? Chapter 13; Coco's Journey, Larry Puls, (Click to Tweet)

Don't Miss the Previous Chapters

CoCo's Journey, Chapters 1-10