 |
| Saying Goodbye; Ovarian Cancer; Coco's Journey |
Jack was fighting sleep when his son walked through the door at three that afternoon. After exchanging hellos, he savored the sweet family conversation and the tenderness of his children’s voices. But at times, the exchanges were interrupted when Marcia fought to absorb her intense cramping with what little dignity she had left.
When evening came, his wife appeared to be wearing down quickly. He encouraged her to get some sleep. But when he did, she looked up and strangely fixed her eyes on his. An odd expression covered her sunken and pale face and made him wonder what she was thinking.
“Is everything ok?” he said.
Without an utterance, she lightly patted the bed for him to come and sit beside her. Climbing from his chair, he rose, approached her and carefully lowered the guardrail. There next to his wife on the crumpled sheets was a small sliver of space where he thought he could perch. He pushed the IV lines out of the way and slid her catheter down towards the foot of the bed.
Once seated, she grabbed his hand in a small way and began to talk quietly. “I’m glad you kids are here. I have a few things I want to say to your father and I want you to listen… Honey, you have given me the greatest gift and man could give a wife. You have made me feel cherished beyond measure.”
She stopped momentarily, short of breath.
“But I pity you Jack Covington,” feebly smiling. “I have done everything for you in life. I have balanced our checkbook. I have run the house and cooked every single meal for you—until recently I guess,” adjusting her shoulders. “You will have to figure out how to manage the house completely on your own. The grocery store will become your new hardware store. Imagine that. Who knows, you may start collecting cooking recipes. But I am sure you will be able to figure out a life alone no doubt,” ending the sentence almost inaudibly.
She then motioned for him to come closer before gently taking hold of his face. “I know you better than you know yourself. We’ve been a good team. We made it all work—better than most couples. And there are reasons for that, I think. You have a giving heart… So listen to what I am about to say. Someday you will need another woman. I know you and I want that for you--just like you would that for me if the roles were reversed,” still looking winded. “And if you are lucky, she won’t order you around or complain when you leave your shoes in the wrong spot…”
His voiced was silenced.
“Jack?”
“Yes,” wiping the moisture from his right eye.
“I love you and I want you to be happy. Remember that please,” staring up at him.
He was not predicting that comment, nor was he aware how those spoken words would pierce his heart. The rising tears surfaced over his eyes, revealing droplets that spoke about the previously unspoken.
A life without his wife.
For just a moment, he wondered curiously if he would survive alone to face the world.Don’t go there! Don’t even think about it. With those thoughts now swirling about, he was determined to cut her off. That was a discussion he wasn’t going to have here and now, so he held his finger up to her lips. But gingerly, she wrapped her withered hand around it and moved it away. Her eyes held his. I will never think about anyone else! He wanted only her, forever and for always… Beautiful Marcia was dying and he knew he could not stop it.
Being at her bedside was complicated, but cathartic. Jack understood the need to let it go. It was time to let go. Skirting around the reality of what the cancer was doing was no longer possible. He recognized he must face it head on and work towards final closure.
She drifted off to sleep, and for that he was thankful. That night his children went back to Ellen’s place, assuming tomorrow would be just like today.
But it would not.
